The next leg

The week after my final chemotherapy treatment was a strange one. I think on one level I'd thought that was that and I could go back to being busy. My sensible head knew that I needed time to recover not just from treatment 12, but from the whole course of 12 cycles. However, I caught myself a few times feeling frustrated that I wasn't able to do more and cross with myself when I did too much and felt grim as a result. I guess the main thing was that I caught myself when these thoughts and feelings came up and was able to cut myself a bit of slack and be kinder to myself.

That said, I was able to get some practical admin things sorted, including some stuff which, the week before, had felt overwhelming. And it was so good to return to The Hub on Thursday and be back with my lovely Relaxation and Meditation group. That day we also took the van in for service and I stayed for the afternoon drumming circle. In fact, I felt quite 'normal'- whatever that means! No stomach cramps and I noticed I was starting to taste my food a little more. And with the nights drawing out and having that bit more daylight at the end of the afternoon, Spring was most definitely in the air.

I've felt really drawn to the traditional Pagan Wheel of the Year celebrations over the last few years, in particular the Summer and Winter Solstices. This year for the first time I've really connected with Imbolc. Having entered my own 'Winter of Content' at the end of last Autumn, I'm starting to get glimpses of life beyond treatment and the days ahead promise to be lighter in every way. It was good to have the time to read more about this celebration, the symbolism and rituals. I remembered how important it had been for me to plant spring bulbs last Autumn. And seeing them coming through the ground now is so positive, poignant and reassuring. 

Eight days after my last chemotherapy treatment I was back on the oncology unit for my Herceptin injection. I was glad I'd chosen not to ring the bell the previous week as I think I'd have felt a bit of a plonker if I'd made a fuss about the end of one lot of treatment only to be back there again so soon! The Herceptin part of my treatment, that deals with the protein receptive element of the cancer, will continue for most of this year in the form of an injection every 3 weeks. The main side effect of Herceptin has been a headache and I prepared for this by taking paracetamol before setting off for Burnley. I think I was feeling a bit smug- here I was just having an injection where previously I'd have had a cannula fitted and be rigged up to the chemo drip for a few hours. The injection itself was quick and, to be honest, it was lovely to see the staff on the unit. So welcoming, supportive and encouraging from the folks on reception through to the nursing staff who carry out the various procedures with little fuss and lots of reassurance. I had my pre-injection consultation and Chris went off to the pharmacy to pick up some meds I needed while I had the injection. It lasts longer than an ordinary injection as the chemical has to be put in slowly over a few minutes. However, after the initial sharp and a bit of a stinging sensation its quite painless.

As normal after Herceptin, I slept a lot in the evening. The following day we'd planned a trip out and I woke with anticipation expecting to feel so much better not having had the full chemo treatment. However, the truth was I felt crap! I just didn't get this and went on to feel annoyed at the waste of a day. It was the afternoon by it dawned on me that not only had I not had the Paclitaxyl chemo, I'd also not had the usual premeds of stomach protection, antihistamine and meds to prevent nausea. Understanding what is happening is the first step to feeling better and I dipped into my mobile chemist shop for nausea relief and stuff to deal with skin irritation and that familiar Herceptin headache. Giving into to my body once again and letting myself sleep allowed the healing to kick in and by Sunday morning I was feeling much better. So much so that we went to and thoroughly enjoyed a powerful Imbolc Gathering at The Dojo.
 
It was good to be in the company of so many positive folks and the mix of learning, sharing and support was so uplifting and empowering- not least some truly awesome drumming! Having time at The Hub afterwards just doing a few jobs was also uplifting and left me feeling useful and more connected to the place. We had time for an afternoon nap at home before going over to Accrington to share a Sound Bath with some more lovely folks. As always happens after drumming and working with the Gongs, I slept well that night and woke up feeling so much better. For the first time, the taste in my mouth that I've had since chemo started was less noticeable. That more than anything else was a tangible indicator that the chemo part of my journey was finally over!
  
Monday morning saw us heading off to Preston- another day another hospital! We'd heard horror stories about parking so set off early and got parked up easily. Yes the Rosemere Centre is so much bigger than the unit in Burnley and I did initially feel quite overwhelmed by the sheer volume of people. But a friendly welcome at reception and then a small comfy waiting area with the offer of a cuppa made all the difference. This was my pre-radiotherapy scan and 'tattoo' appointment and I was seen promptly and greeted by a friendly radiographer who fully explained the procedure. I must confess to being a tad nervous when I saw the stirrup contraption attached to the bed and it was a great relief to learn that this was for my left arm rather than a leg! My arm had to be out of the way to allow the measurements to be taken that will enable the treatment to be targeted at exactly the right spot. I was helped up onto the machine and every stage of the process was explained thoroughly. This treatment may involve holding my breath for up to 20 seconds to move my heart out of the way so it is protected from the radiotherapy. I was reminded of the subtle power of language when one of the radiographers talked about where my tumour "is". She corrected herself immediately to where my tumour "was". And what a difference that one subtle change makes. My two tumours were removed last August with follow-up surgery to ensure a safe margin of healthy tissue. The adjuvant treatment that has followed is a clean-up operation to prevent further problems. I'm comfortable with that and I suspect my reaction to the "is" word was quite obvious! I know where I'm at with my journey- no detours or alternative routes allowed!

After lots of measurements were taken and a few marks made in the middle of my chest and on my side, two indelible marks were left for future use. Not the butterfly tattoo I'd perhaps have liked but preferable to the skull and crossbones I'd feared!
My appointment to begin radiotherapy is the first possible date after the 3 week gap after chemotherapy ended, so treatment will begin on a Friday and end 15 days (excluding weekends) later on a Thursday. 



The Rainbow flag flying over Preston Hospital as we left the Rosemere Centre felt like a bit of an omen. We've been involved in some tough battles over the years. How much calmer and less aggressive is this funny old dance with cancer!



So that's me on the third leg of the journey! But before the journey recommences for real I've just over a week of chemo 'recovery time' left which I must confess I am enjoying greatly. Yes, I am tired- a deep tiredness that only becomes really obvious when I do too much. Listening when my body whispers so it doesn't need to shout and resting before I'm tired have never been so important. And as resistance is futile, I willingly comply!

                                                                                         Liz x