You can ring my bell- or not!

So finally we made it to week 12 and my last chemotherapy treatment!

The week in between treatments 11 and 12 was a strange one that brought up lots of stuff for me. I've felt genuinely positive throughout the journey so far. Without a doubt, the weekly routine of blood tests, chemo then rest has helped with this. I've been occupied and able to be part of the treatment process- even if only by ensuring I was in the right place at the right time. Little things like taking responsibility for keeping my veins warm and hydrated for blood tests and cannulas proved to be empowering in a situation that could easily have felt completely out of my control. Exploring diet options to work with the meds protecting my stomach from the effects of the chemo drugs was another way of allowing me to be actively involved in the treatment/recovery cycle. And one of the gifts in this whole situation has been getting to understand my own body better. From the banana and corn flakes I eat for breakfast through to my new comfort food of cheesy mash and quorn escalopes, I'm finding foods that agree with me. I have actively avoided foods that irritate my stomach and feel better for this. The 3 pints of shandy I've drunk since last September have been enjoyable accompaniments to meals out and I'm feeling no desire to drink alcohol on a more regular basis. All in all, being part of a structured and regular routine has worked for me.

I started to be aware of some niggly sensations with the final treatment in sight. I knew where I was with chemo- what to expect, what to do and I knew that any unpleasant side-effects would pass. But what was to come? How would I cope without that structure?

After treatment 11 I had the obligatory rest day but the weekend was busy with Sound events. There's a physical tiredness that comes with setting up and being active for a few hours at a time. However, the deeper relaxation and uplifting healing that comes from those awesome Gongs far outweighs the superficial discomfort. I began the new week with a couple of Reiki days- receiving a treatment on Monday and then a Reiki 1 day 2 on Tuesday. Again physically tiring but with huge energetic benefits. 

Wednesday saw me back in Burnley for blood tests at 9am. Stomach cramps kicked in afterwards as, once again, the chemo pre-meds that protect my stomach wore off before the chemo itself. This necessitated spending the rest of the day in bed to allow the meds I have to deal with the cramps to kick in. And during this rest time those little niggly 'what next' questions  continued to fester away.

Before I knew it, there we were, arriving at the Unit for my final chemo treatment. As if to celebrate the event, my veins were a model of cannula cooperation and I settled into that all familiar Piriton sleep. We had spoken throughout the course of treatments about ringing the bell at the end of the final treatment. But now here we were and it dawned on me that no way could I ring that bell. This was not the end of the treatment. In fact I'd be back at the Unit just 8 days later for my next Herceptin injection. Chris was a bit disappointed and I felt some more stuff coming up for me too. This journey is like a 4-legged chair. The first leg was the surgery- two operations in 5 weeks. The second leg was the course of chemotherapy I was about to complete. But I was barely half way through! Next there was to be the third leg- preparation for and 3 weeks of daily radiotherapy. And the final leg? This would be the longest leg of all- continued Herceptin every 3 weeks, 6-monthly infusions to strengthen my bones and on-going oral medication for 10 years. In short, I wasn't going to be ringing that bell any time soon!

After chemo 12 I went to The Sanctuary for a Crystal Bed treatment then spent some time with a couple of friends before going home to bed. I'm not quite sure what happened overnight. Over the last few months I've been conscious of things being addressed and either sorted or released. Last Autumn I had over 26 000 photographs on my 'phone! I took the decision to go through them all and either delete them or sort them into albums. I realised during the night after chemo 12 that this was a process so much bigger than simply sorting out my iphone! There have been sleepless spells where I've been awake in the night. Sometimes I'd take myself off to my peace and calm meditation place. Sometimes I'd go into Reiki self-healing. Sometimes I'd re-run the previous day using my internal dimmer switch to increase the brightness of the happy moments and turn down the less than pleasant stuff so I couldn't see, hear or feel it. Sometimes I did all of the above! And sometimes none of the above settled my mind. These were the times when I went into the distraction of photo sorting. But I see now it was so much more than a distraction! Memories and images of individual people, places and situations were revisited. Some were lovingly sorted into albums with dates and comments to enable me to find my way back to them with ease. Others were deleted. And oh yes, I sometimes felt so good pressing 'delete'.  This was the dimmer switch process with nobs on! I now have just over 1000 photographs on my 'phone. There's still some sorting to be done. Then again I've never pretended or claimed to be the finished product!

The morning after chemo 12 I woke with so many thoughts. Things that hadn't felt important during treatment now took on an urgency and intensity that seemed overwhelming. I felt, for the first time in a long, long time the sensation formerly known as anxiety. I had chest pains, palpitations and I was breathing and sweating like a bingo-winged granny one number away from shouting 'house'.

We had a lovely weekend planned ahead of us and here was me jeopardising this by feeling crap. So in crept the self-blame and anger! It was all just too much and I found myself putting my head under the duvet, snuggling into Nessidog and having a bit of 'poor me' time. Then all those nasty little thoughts started pecking my head- 'where's your Mindfulness now then?', 'Call yourself a Reiki Master!', 'Reframe this crock of shit then you nob!'. ENOUGH!

Time to dig deep into that toolkit looking for the big guns, the magic spanner, the quick fix gaffer tape to stick my ducks back in their row! Then the reality dawned- time to get back to basics. What could I change here? My thoughts? Not a chance! My feelings? No way! The only thing that was going to have any impact on the tidal wave of emotion I was feeling was to do something- take action. I spoke with Chris about how I was feeling physically and we agreed I probably wasn't having a heart attack and really did need to practically sort some stuff in order to park it. The most pressing concern was a practical financial, legal crock. Something I just couldn't sort myself. I sat with this for a short while before contacting a friend who had helped in a previous similar situation some years before. A few messages and a phone call later and we had a plan- and an appointment for the following week. Within an hour or so, what had become an overwhelming deluge of stuff was dealt with- either sorted or plans in place towards sorting. This done we got ready for that lovely weekend.

A couple of other problems arose but solutions were readily found- not least a detour to Darwen to have the petrol cap broken off the van because it had seized up. By early afternoon I was set up overlooking the estuary near Grange. Dogs walked in the woods and kettle boiling as I waited for Chris to join me.

The weekend was calm and peaceful with the most stunning sunrises. Yes, I did have rather too much early morning thinking time but when the fluffy bunny woo woo stuff didn't shift it, there was the distraction of photograph annihilation! Then back to the calm place I went ready for another gorgeous dawn. Saturday Meditation and lunch at the Manjushri with a lovely friend and a snuggled up evening in the van. Then a trip to Grange on Sunday and a walk along the Prom. It was here that I had a rather lovely experience. We reached a boarded up old building at the end of the Prom and I was quite intrigued as it seemed so out of place amidst the neat, well-tended gardens. I got my phone and took a photograph over the fencing and Wow!  

Blue Lagoon meets Roman Amphitheatre! What we'd stumbled upon was the remains of Grange Lido. What a reminder to look beyond the apparent dull surface to find the treasures within! After a scone and a pot of tea we went back to the van and I spent the evening Googling this stunning piece of history. And what jumped out at me was the strength of feeling and community commitment to restoring the Lido. A powerful reminder of just what groups of people can achieve when they pull together and support each other towards realising a shared goal.

I perhaps overdid things with that Sunday walk as I woke with horrible stomach cramps on Monday. The over ambitious schedule of 5 appointments that I'd set myself were honed down to just 2 cherry-picked arrangements as I cut myself some slack and rested as the meds kicked in. I'm listening to my body more for sure now. And I'm accepting of the need for a break before radiotherapy starts. I feel that this week I've weathered a few storms and potential problems have melted away once I've taken the action required to enable this. And once again, I am left grateful and appreciative of the awesome folks who share this journey with me.

Thanks for reading this blog- I hope it helps you in some way as much as it helps me to write it- and I wish you well.








                                                                                                                        Liz x