I almost got it right and finding the gift

Well the '#111 days of happy hats' thing on Facebook has certainly brought colour and humour into this journey! Its lovely how folks have embraced this and there's hardly a day gone by recently without another headwear creation finding its way to me. All confirmation that I have some pretty wonderful folks supporting me along the way!

Treatment 4 included the three-weekly Herceptin injection- this is the part of the treatment regime that targets the 'protein receptive' aspect of the cancer cells. Its an expensive drug and I'm really fortunate to be receiving it. So off we set for Burnley on another crisp winter's morning. In my mind I've had a pretty set in stone schedule for this treatment. Herceptin injection every 3 weeks for a year, chemo every week for 12 weeks, a couple of week's radiotherapy then on-going meds in tablet form. So by my calculations, the last chemo would be at the end of January. There have been a couple of potential obstacles to this recently though and I'm aware of reacting to these perhaps a bit more strongly than is good for me! Firstly, my weekly chemo would fall on Christmas Day. It appears I can either have a full week off or move to the Thursday after Boxing Day. This messes up my 'OK by Thursday' schedule that sees me back at The Hub for the Thursday Meditation and Drumming Circles. And the thought of missing a week isn't at all appealing as the knock-on effect would be chemo creeping into February. But perhaps the most concerning potential obstacle has been the impact the chemo is having on my blood count. I have the weekly blood tests to monitor this and, by week 4, my white blood cell count had dropped from 5.3 to 3.1. The other significant part of the count is the 'neuts' (neutrophils which fight infection) which had dropped from 2.8 to 1.8. If the count drops below 3 and 1.5 my weekly chemo will be deferred to allow for recovery time. And the knock-on effect is the overall treatment period  being extended.



Treatment 4 felt quite significant- a quarter of the way through and it was a relief my blood results were just within safe limits to go ahead with chemo and Herceptin. Shortly after arriving at the unit we were taken into the orange Marigold treatment room to have the cannula fitted. The nurse had a medical student with her and, remembering my experience with the A&E doctor back in September, I consented to him inserting the cannula. Chris checked out that he was a 4th year student. Or, as she put it, "You're not on a school work experience placement are you?" The poor lad tried to reassure me with "I'll try my best, I almost got it right on the last patient." But in fairness, how are student doctors going to gain the experience they need if folks don't let them practice on them? So off he went. I think its fair to say that the finished attempt looked very good. And its probably more to do with my reluctant veins that there was a problem. The saline went in OK but there was a blockage somewhere and the nurse had to step in and start the whole process again. But credit to that lad- he almost, almost got it right! This treatment wasn't quite so fluffy bunny as usual as Herceptin whacks me with a headache but the chemo was completed quickly and we went off to the breast clinic for a scheduled talk about on-going care. To be honest, the last thing I felt like doing was sitting listening to a talk for 2 hours. But we'd been invited and it did sound like it would cover some pretty important stuff. As we settled to wait for the talk to start, my breast care nurse came to check in with us. And bless her forever, she saw I was knackered and sent us home! I'm now booked in on the same talk- next March! This was such a relief and it was lovely to get home and snooze on the sofa with the log fire blazing. We even managed to catch the last bit of Escape to the Country! 

One aspect of the effects of chemo that has been starting to get me down a bit has been the impact on my sleep. I know just being in bed is restful but the nights awake are long and there's only so many Facebook photo albums one can create before losing the will to live. This has really tested my positivity at times and the Polly Anna in me has been seriously at risk of getting twatted by the CBA bit of me. There have been some good talking tos and a significant bit of furtling around in the dark recesses of my toolkit. Wednesday night was a bit of a low in this respect. I'd rested most of the day and had a lovely treatment at The Sanctuary. I had a busy Thursday ahead that was leading into a Retreat weekend. A good night's sleep was a must really. But no- one sheep, two sheep, three- I wonder if sheep sleep standing up? Have I got enough chant sheets for the weekend? What did I do with that dietary list, whatever happened to Simon Dee..... Insomnia leads to such random thoughts! I heard distant words coming from my toolkit- 'If something isn't working try something different, try anything different'! So I got up, went downstairs and put the kettle on. And what a gift was there in the kitchen waiting for me- all three cats were home and cuddly as could be! So I had a nice cup of tea and a ginger biscuit or four while the little furry ones had some Dreamies and lots of cuddles. This was most definitely a gift in the insomnia situation and an hour or so later I went back to bed. The sleep I eventually got may have been 'Light' in Fitbit's eyes but to me is was a blessed relief!

It was good to be at The Hub on Thursday sharing the first part of the Reiki 1 course with some lovely folks. Meditation and Drumming Circles in the afternoon were followed by a 1:1 appointment before going home to make the final Retreat preparations. Friday brought an early start and a treatment at The Sanctuary. Back at home afterwards I finished sorting out the camper van only to find the engine battery was flat. Full marks to the RAC though as less than an hour later, a very, very nice patrol man had fitted us a new battery and we were ready to go.  

The Retreat itself was one of the most relaxing I've experienced. A perfect group of folks shared the space and personally I reconnected with my own Yoga practice that I'd let slip. Post Herceptin stomach cramps and a nasty headache kicked in on Saturday and I had to rest but by Sunday I was feeling much better and was able to be fully present in every way for the rest of the weekend.

I do believe that the stuff I do is helping with my healing. It is certainly helping me to deal with the treatments. There remains a massive crock of learning in this for me. The lessons aren't always pleasant but (so far) I've surprised myself by the resilience that has surfaced at just the right time. I remain so very grateful to the folks who are walking this walk with me. Yes its my unique and individual experience. But sometimes I look back down the sands of a particular part of the journey and there are so many sets of footprints of those skipping along with me. At moments like that, I feel that if chemotherapy were a dance, it would most certainly be the Conga!


                                                                                                                                          Liz x