Strictly Chemo!

Well its been a funny old week since my first chemo treatment. The spectrum has ranged from 'Wow, I cant believe how great I feel!' to 'fuckinell I never thought it would be like this!' The one consistent bit of advice from all directions has been that reaction to treatment is unique and individual so expect nothing! And I have found releasing all expectations to be truly liberating this week. During the less than fluffy bunny moments, there is, of course, the temptation to identify with being 'ill' and look for symptoms. The danger here is that I'll limit myself and rule out the possibility that, at times, I will feel absolutely wonderful. (And enjoy everything during those times with an appreciation and gratitude that only transience brings). I felt fine on Wednesday morning so Chris and I went out to do a couple of jobs to help make home more homely. We've recently had some decorating done and needed to finish off some bits and pieces so off we went to have a look at carpets. Having a look turned into ordering and fitting was booked for the day after. Next we went to look for a second hand sofa. This is something we do approximately every 18 months on account of sharing our lives with a Patterdale Terrier. In fairness, she's got better and its taken her the full 18 months to gnaw one arm off this time. Anyway, a trip to a couple of charity shops found us an absolute bargain that is just perfect for our kitchen- which is the room we tend to live in in the Winter. And they could deliver the following day. We came home and ate toasted teacakes, lit the fire in the front room and I spent the remainder of Wednesday resting.

Thursday was a busy morning as the carpet fitters, sofa delivery folks and the postman arrived at the same time. It was all a bit frenetic but worth it to see such a difference at home. And I set off for sanctuary The Hub leaving Chris to start sawing up the old sofa. Its not just the firewood we've gained that motivated us to do this. The sheer joy in knowing we've avoided paying Blackburn with Darwen Council £20 to collect it was so worth the blisters caused by sawing!



I had a lovely afternoon at The Hub- Relaxation and Meditation Group, Drumming Circle and catching up with lots of folks before the evening Mindfulness course. I wont pretend I wasn't 
tired by home time but what a fantastic group this is and I feel honoured to facilitate these sessions. And there's always a solution- we decided to leave the van and Chris gave me a lift home. Straight to bed and Friday was a rest day where I did very little. Proper flat out, knackered resting. I think the only time I've rested like this before in my life has been on days following running a marathon, after receiving a bit of a battering on the football pitch or when I've been suffering from a severe handover.

Friday night brought a rather lovely evening of Sound Meditation at The Dojo- 'East meets West'. Paul worked hard all day to make sure The Dojo was at its best and walking into the building I felt a sensation that can only be described as Joy. Gone was the footprint of sadness I'd sensed earlier in the year. The glowing fire, twinkling lights and the sound of the soulful instruments was almost other worldly. And it was one of those beautiful events where people from the different parts of my life came together and this always makes me feel so safe, secure and loved. This truly was an experience of Sound rather than performance. An ego-free and genuinely healing experience. And for me, a reminder of why we do what we do.

It was very special to share the Gongs in this space. It was the first time I'd played in a while and Pluto really sang and wrapped me up in the most beautiful Sound and vibration. Chris went off to The Hub to sort the soup towards the end and it felt so right to be sharing the Gongs with my favourite grufty builder who plays with a natural intuition and respect. One of the lovely folks who attended captured this photograph which shows Pluto radiating the healing green of the Gong who battered me for so long and now absolutely feeds my soul.

Waking up to a glorious sunrise, I knew that Saturday was most definitely going to be a rest day! Some years ago a company who make exhibition stands gained planning permission to build an extension. Apparently we didn't have a right to a view and no objection was accepted. This (in my opinion) inappropriate erection does slightly spoil the view from our bedroom window. Part of me would like to jump on the heads of those who granted planning permission. But another part of me is content to wriggle across the bed slightly so I can't see it. Looking in the other direction and nestling between a pylon and a chemical factory, we can see the former mill town of Blackburn. I was reminded, as the Sun shone in through the window, that I have a choice which direction to look in. What I choose to focus on. And on Saturday I had a choice between feeling sorry for myself because I felt grim- or not. And choosing 'not' I allowed myself to reflect on the previous evening and the things we'd done in the house over the last few days. There's a possibility I may have overdone things a bit as my body started to shout at me again. I was quite poorly through the night on Saturday and the only sensible thing was to stay at home, There were some hints of 'poor me' as I wasn't able to go to the Peace Meditation at The Hub or play at our 'Gongs for Peace' event at The Dojo. However, I did have precious time to go within and revisit some of the stuff I've learned and experienced this year. Everything new we come across gives us a seed. And one of the gifts in my current situation is having the time to nurture the fertile ground that allows these seeds to grow.

So, if chemotherapy were a dance, what dance would it be? Without a doubt on some days I feel as though I'm Waltzing through life without a care in the world. Other days bring the challenges of a complex Paso Doble. There are even times when I feel I'm caught up in that dodgy looking Argentinian number where there's always the risk of getting your legs tangled up and falling over!

And all the while I have some wonderful company on this journey. At home with Chris and the Zen beasts and further afield with our wonderful extended family of friends who choose to make the time to walk with me. So very, very appreciated.

I'm just about to set off for Burnley again and after today I've only got ten session of chemotherapy left! How important to focus on the positives and on all that is good. Anything else would be madness!

Liz x