To Oncology and Beyond...

Having done quite a bit over the weekend I cut myself some slack as the new week began. I did the bare minimum on Monday and Tuesday with very few 1:1 sessions and just a couple of Meditation groups. Wednesday saw me heading out to meet up with a wise Reiki lady which was a lovely way to spend an afternoon and really fed my soul. A synchronistic meeting at The Hub finished off my day before going home for an early night. It felt as though I was resisting less the need to rest and Chris was resisting more the need to say 'I told you so!'.

On Thursday off we went to Burnley again to see the Oncologist. The appointment was in Out Patients which is in the older part of the hospital. I guess we'd been used to the light, colourful, calm surroundings of the Edith Watson Unit and found Out Patients a bit grim. However, the friendliness and kindness of the staff still shone through. 

Up to this point, I'd been expecting to be told I'd be having a chemotherapy treatment every three weeks. I understood the first one leaves you feeling like you've been on the ale. The second one is like having a cold. Treatment 3 starts to get a bit more hard core. Then from treatment 4 onwards I'd be naturally bald, knackered and fit for nothing for 14+ days out of every 21- and could seriously lose my sense of humour by the last two treatments. The gift in this would be that a couple of week's radiotherapy afterwards would be a piece of piss after! And the whole thing would be spread out so we were looking at almost 6 months.

I'd kind of come to terms with all that and was really surprised to be given a very different treatment plan. Chemotherapy every week for 12 weeks with Herceptin running alongside this every three weeks and continuing after the chemo for a full year. There's something about coming to terms with a particular crock of shit that leads to a curious disappointment when it is replaced by a totally different crock! However, the oncologist was thorough and reassuring within a context of being brutally honest about possible side-effects and potential problems. And at last and at least we had a plan.

Before treatment could start I needed to get my heart checked and an appointment was made in Blackburn for the following Monday- just four days away with chemotherapy starting the week after. I felt as though I'd got my boarding pass for Chemo Airlines and the engines were revving ready for take-off! So what perfect timing to be spending the weekend back up in Kendal on our Mindfulness Meditation Retreat.


Chris had done so much more of the Retreat preparation so that all I had to think about was the workshop content. And both Chris and Julie were contributing to this too. These two are the perfect team as they know me well enough to support me in doing my best. However, they also know when to slap me around a bit and help me to re-ground myself. Most important of all is that they respect me enough to do things my way rather than question why I do things the way I do. Retreat ways have evolved over the last three years and work. Its great to be around folks who respect that and are happy to work within that tried, trusted and successful framework. Once again the weather was glorious for the journey up the M6. I went via Hobby Craft to pick up supplies for our crafty Saturday afternoon workshop and started to get that lovely anticipation feeling. There is always a sense of joy and excitement as Kendal draws nearer and crossing the cattle grid as I leave the M6 I feel my whole body start to relax. Its almost as if the retreat starts properly for me at that moment. There was a bit of a hitch this time as the road was closed due to the new flood defence work in Kendal. But I was able to get as far as the house and let others know to ignore the bollards and just drive through as access was fine for us.

 I jokingly call Chris and Julie the Chuckle Brothers of Gong erection as its hilarious listening to them. However, once again they do things my way which is both respectful and sensible to be honest! Before long our Retreat space was set up and that beautiful energy started to build in the house. Once again the perfect group came together bringing with them some gorgeous cake, sweets, flowers and perhaps the finest Rocky Road that I've ever tasted!


With hopes and expectations set, we settled down round the big table with our usual light hearted, ice-breaker  'getting to know you' Supper chat. Before long it was as though we'd always been there. I love that bit when people's inevitable anxieties about the unknown start to melt away and they settle into the Retreat House. Chris and I shared a Sound Bath in the evening before an early night for all.


Saturday was a lovely day of workshops, Sound, Meditation, sharing, humour, healthy, awesome food and that fab Craft afternoon. Gentle, personal growth and light-bulb moments all round. There really is no place for the 'Buddhist Boot Camp' approach on our Retreats. I took myself off to the camper van for an early night with Nessidog and Ella as Chris and Julie led the evening Drumming Circle and Sound Bath. I commented in a blog recently about feeling not needed on a recent Retreat when Chris did the evening Sound. A lovely lady who'd
been on that Retreat messaged me to say I may not
have been needed but was certainly wanted. And
given the choice between the two, she knew which
she'd prefer. This really helped and enabled me to
properly rest.

I woke in the night around 3am and it was freezing.  So I put the gas fire on low to take the edge off the chill. Then I woke again about 5am and it was freezing. I realised I must have dreamed the 3am genius fire move so put the fire on low to take the edge off the chill. Waking again at 6 it was freezing and I had to concede that the gas bottle had run out! Fortunately we carry a spare so our day began with Chris walking the dogs, Julie getting some fresh air and me changing the gas bottle. Its not the easiest thing to do- especially when you turn the wrench the wrong way. One of our lovely Retreat participants was setting off for her morning constitutional and asked if I needed a hand. I grufted something about her just carrying on with her walk as I was about to throw the gas bottle through the fecking window! Afterwards, back in the van in front of the fire I reflected on how I might have managed my state better. I could have put the wrench down and meditated, changed my thoughts about the situation, read my gratitude journal or even hummed a cheery little song. But sometimes, we need to take action first. And in sorting the bottle, getting the gas back on and warming up, the source of my annoyance was no more so I could go about my day back in that calm place with an 'Aw what are you like' air of self forgiveness.

The rest of the weekend was lovely- relaxed, peaceful and some wonderful feedback. A laid-back Sunday evening and an early night was the perfect preparation for the week to come. And I was up bright eyed and bushy tailed on Monday to drive back to Blackburn to get my heart checked.

Liz x