A New Clear Day

Setting off from Kendal on Monday morning I felt quite relaxed- still floating on a cloud of Retreat calmness and positivity. The M6 was quiet and the light was beautiful on the Fells, then later over the coast and finally on the Lancashire hills. I arrived at Blackburn hospital with 20 minutes to spare. Aware of my last minute reputation, I did consider going round the block again a few times but opted instead to go and try out the new car park. The hospital planners have done an excellent job- extra parking and an alternative, less busy entrance. That's going to make things so much less stressful for folks visiting the hospital.

Just as I had on Blue Tit day, I made my way to the Department of Nuclear Medicine. My appointment had been made by 'phone and I'd not received the details letter as I'd been away. I think I was assuming I'd be having a bit of an x-ray and I was expecting to be heading over to The Hub within the hour.

I was a bit surprised to be invited into the same room as last time. But, just like before, the medic working with me explained everything perfectly. The procedure I was about to experience was a 'MUGA Scan'. The aim was to get a base-line assessment of the health of my heart so any impact of the treatment to come could be monitored.  The procedure began with a cannula being inserted into my arm which was used to give me an injection to make my red blood cells 'more sticky' in preparation for a second injection. I then had to wait half an hour for the injection to take effect before being taken into the scanner room. Here the second injection was given and that was 'a bit radio active.' The room was freezing  but my arms were swaddled by what looked like a big Velcro muff- cosy and strangely comforting! Images were taken of my heart and I was in this machine for no more than 20 minutes- all the while having every step of the process explained calmly and reassuringly.

I'm not sure what caused the uneasy feeling I had as I left the hospital- the time the procedure took, the thoroughness of the explanation or the lengths being taken in anticipation of the impact of chemotherapy on my body. I just knew I needed to be in the safety of my own home. I'd already made a phone call to get cover for my lunchtime Meditation group. Now I found myself deciding to take the rest of the day off and go home and try to make sense of what was going on in my head.  

I've sometimes heard godly and goodly 'spiritual' people say that they don't need other people. May-be I'm not as evolved as these folks because I do need others. Its not that I'm externally validated or referenced as I'm pretty secure in my own core values. I'm not even too bothered if folks don't like what I do or say. That's all to do with personal preferences and our different and diverse maps of the world- in other words, its all their stuff. No right or wrong or good or bad,  just 'stuff'. However, my view is that I'm a spiritual being in a physical body who lives in a community. And I give thanks for that beautiful community of caring folks who have the capacity to make time for and love others as well as themselves. It was some of these folks who I called upon this day to help me find clarity. I don't find it easy to ask for help and I'm so grateful there are people in my life who know this and make it easier for me. So, the rest of Monday I spent snuggled up at home going within and dipping into my toolkit- punctuated by contact with some angels without wings.

I had a busier day on Tuesday. A morning of sound and grounded NLP wisdom with supportive folks who I respect greatly. Then an afternoon with a lovely lady I've not known for long but who reached out and offered me space to 'just be yourself'. The support and positive energy from these folks was so very appreciated and a reminder of that thing Eckhart Tolle says about how a log on a fire that's going out can be rekindled just by being next to a more alight log for a while. One of the corner stones of Community. I went on to spend the evening at The Hub- catching up with 1:1 folks and then the evening Meditation group. Wednesday was another quiet day. Lots of admin done but also lots of rest. A Hub morning on Thursday kept me busy before my afternoon appointment with the Oncologist.

Back over at Burnley I waited in a busy clinic. This was the first time I'd had to wait any length of time for any appointment and the sheer volume of people coming and going in Out Patients brought home just how busy the hospital is. And the patience of the staff was another reminder of how truly awesome our NHS personnel are.

After 50 minutes I was called in to see the oncologist. The room I waited in was cold as the window was open. When she came in, the oncologist's first words were "have you got a cold?" I explained my two hats, hoody and jacket turned up were because the room was freezing and she asked the nurse to close the window. All was well from the scan and treatments were scheduled to start the following Monday and Tuesday. However, she did go on to say that the slightest hint of a cold or any other infection would mean the treatment would be postponed. Next I had bloods and swabs done. My cold veins protested at this and it took a while to get the 3 syringes of blood required. Once again I retreated to that tranquil still point at the end of the in-breath. Though had I needed to explore a place of peace and calm, this time it would have been Norway, in the snow, watching the Northern Lights! 

Thursday evening was week 6 of the Mindfulness course and another synchronicity threw up exactly the right process that Chris and I would go on to use ourselves. Working with four of the powerful Munay Ki archetypes to bring perspective and create the space to ensure response rather than reaction,

On Friday I was back at Burnley for an 'Introduction to Chemotherapy' talk. I went alone as Chris had stuff on at The Hub. Nothing was being done to me, I was just getting information. However, though I arrived in time, the car park was full. Yes I'd asked the Angels for help but it appeared they were a bit short-staffed and there were no places and two cars ahead of me waiting for spaces to become available. I set about reversing back out to go to find another car park. A guy jumped out of a white pick-up truck and ran over to me. He'd seen me struggling and came to give me his ticket (with 2 hours remaining) and to guide me into the space he was vacating. How kind was that and what a reminder that prayers aren't always answered in the way we expect!

Arriving at the Chemotherapy unit, I was greeted by a friendly receptionist. It really was no hardship sitting waiting in the clean, warm and brightly coloured reception area before being called in by one of the friendly Sisters on the unit. I spent the next hour or so watching a video about chemotherapy treatment and then having the chance to ask questions. The Sister was friendly and thorough and I came away with a list of 'dos' and 'don'ts' and a much better understanding of what lay ahead.

Best of all, I was issued with my very own chemo parking pass and couldn't wait to get outside to 'phone Chris who was thrilled!

When I got home I begun to tell Chris all about the appointment and, in particular, the list of things recommended to help during treatment. And Chris gave me a bag from a lovely Hubbit friend containing so many of the things on the list! Once again I was aware there are many more than one set of footprints along the path of this journey!

All in all this had been a bit of an unsettling week with the impending treatment starting to feel very real. So we jumped in the van and headed for the woods. I needed to do a bit of toolkit clearing out and sharpening. And we both needed to get our heads around the week ahead.

Liz x