The Winter of my content

 

Something I've realised since I've been dancing the Chemo Doble is how much fear there is attached to the word 'Chemotherapy'. I had very strong images of that poor Russian chap dying as a result of poison that had no antidote. I softened the image into a big yellow flump and dissolved it in a glass of ginger ale. But I completely get how everyone must have their own equivalent images. And scary it is!

Changing the images in my head helped take away much of the fear. And the reality of the treatment also helped alleviate my concerns. I've been very fortunate to be receiving my treatment in Burnley. Not just because of the excellent care and kindness of the staff, but also because of the physical surroundings.

I was aware of something
vaguely familiar about the main chemo lounge when I was first shown around. However, it took a while for me to realise that the mural is the same as the picture we have in the
Garden Room at The Hub.
What are the chances of that? So I'd started to feel at home before I even realised it. Another thing that helps take away the fear is the clear, straightforward and honest way that the treatment is explained. Yes I was nervous before my first treatment. But the nurse carefully went through every stage of the process from the cannula going in, to it being flushed out at the end.

Perhaps it was the absence of nerves that allowed me to pay more attention at the start of the second treatment. But I realised just how much care is put into protecting me and my healthy cells from the effects of the Paclitaxel. And using the name of the actual drug rather than 'chemotherapy' helps too. Have a play with the word itself- I promise you, there's fun to be had! Before the Paclitaxel, I'm given a mini cocktail of supportive drugs through the cannula. Anti-nausea, stomach protection, Piriton and steroids. That's put paid to my Olympic hopes but small price to pay!

So Chemo day two dawned and off we set for the land of Claret and Blue. I took with me a metaphysical reading book, my 'Fuckity fuck fuck' colouring book (a gift from some of the ladies of the Tuesday evening Meditation group) and a rather chirpy wife. My bloods had come back fine after the first treatment so all was well. My vein was a bit reluctant at first but the cannula went in at the second attempt and we were good to go.  Making our way down to the chemo lounge I was pleased to be able to sit in the same place as before- with a view out of the window and facing the mural. The pre-chemo meds were put through the drip and I started to feel the now familiar Piriton tiredness as Chris regaled me with interesting bits of information from one of the MacMillan booklets. Though I don't think I'll start keeping a fatigue diary any time soon, that's just personal preference. And generally speaking, the quality and abundance of the MacMillan literature is excellent.

The treatment seemed to pass quickly and before I knew it I was plugged into the saline flush-out and began to tuck into my lunch of vegetable soup and cheese sandwiches. The whole treatment took less than two and a half hours and we were on our way home before 1pm. Home to toasted teacakes, a cuppa and an afternoon ninja-nap! Listening to my body and simply resting on treatment day seems the best option for me.  And Chris taking the day off gives her time to rest and gives us both the luxury of a full day together.


So what a dance in the park its all been! Wednesday I rested during the day and felt absolutely marvellous. I went over to The Hub, gave a little 2 week late 'welcome' talk to a course and joined our evening Mantra Chanting Circle. I felt so well and had a wonderful evening. The power of the Mantra interspersed with grounded good humour and the undeniable love of the group were very special. And all underneath that gorgeous Bluebell Forest! We were home and tucked up in bed for 10.30pm and I drifted into a blissful sleep!

But this really isn't a dance in the park and when the grim bits come, they come with a vengeance! If the constipation caused by the post-op painkillers was bad, that caused by chemo is like someone spraying dry ice up your rectum and freezing your colon solid. Now there's an image! I woke in the night with stomach cramps and spent far too long in the bathroom doing sudukos. And no, that isn't a euphemism! You know that thing when you've been sat on the toilet for so long that your legs go numb? Well I had that too as I made my way back to bed walking like one of the extras in the 'Thriller' dance video. I'd like to say I woke up feeling great but I didn't. At this point, if chemotherapy were a dance, I'd have to say it would be the Cango! Waves of nausea and stomach cramps were just too much as constipation gave way to diarrhoea, so I gave up all thoughts of my lovely Hub Thursday afternoon and went back to bed with a hot water bottle to concentrate on getting right for the evening. And fortunately I was able to complete the MBSR course with week 8 being a lovely final session of confirmation of just how awesome and life-enhancing this course really is.

We had a rather lovely yet busy weekend ahead of us but I was still feeling grim on Friday morning. I decided to phone the chemo unit as they have a 'Help' number we can call for advice. Before long I was talking with one of the Sisters who explained the meds that my stomach was reacting to and advised me to try Buscapan. Chris went out to the chemist for me before she went over to The Hub and I took the first tablet at midday. I woke after an afternoon nap feeling so much better. The mix of understanding what had been happening to me and medication made such a difference and I felt well and able to be to play at the Temple Gong Meditation in the evening.

The thing about doing energy healing work is remembering to do it! And I realised I'd become so focused on physical symptoms that I'd allowed myself to be distracted from the stuff that I know works. The new meds and lots of rest on Saturday morning saw me feeling really well and ready for Saturday's Community Sound event. A beautiful evening surrounded by positive people and sharing Drumming, Chanting and the Gongs. By the end of the night I felt wonderful. A bit tired physically but no symptoms- and no inclination to go rooting round looking for any either! A good night's sleep had me raring to go for Sunday's Retreat Day at The Hub. Once again I was surrounded by positivity and shared Meditation, Drumming, Chanting and the Gongs. We then finished the weekend off with the Accrington Gong Bath- during which I had a real awareness of the build-up effect of Sound therapy. From feeling great after Mantra on Wednesday I had allowed myself to slip into focussing on physical symptoms. Friday's Gongs lifted my mood and wellbeing. This was consolidated by Saturday's Sound event then more so by Sunday's positivity and more energy stuff. I know what works but commitment and effort is required with energy stuff, it not just 'Izzy wizzy lets get busy' and floating off on the back of a unicorn to Atlantis. No pain no gain, no effort no reward! 

The fact of the matter is that I don't have a choice about some of the symptoms and physical reactions I experience. I'm having poison pumped into me once a week to nuke some dodgy cells for fecks sake. There'd be something wrong if my body didn't say 'ay up, what's to do?' every now and then. However, what this past week has reminded me of is that I do have a choice about how I respond to the reactions! I can chose to sit and analyse every physical twinge and gripe. Or I can accept that this is all par for the course and keep my focus on wellness and positivity. And I'm so grateful for having the convincer of this weekend that gave me the intensity and undeniable build-up effect of the benefits of Sound.

There is a quite unique sensation after a Sound Bath. Its a deep relaxation where the physical body feels heavy yet the vibration continues to work at a cellular level. This is magnified by actually playing the Gongs. And, to put it bluntly, four sound baths in three days left me vibrationally off my tits! I slept well and woke with a calm stillness that remained unshaken despite the best efforts of two cats who decided to re-enact Passchendale, with my body as the no-mans-land in between their trenches. 

Monday is blood test day so a trip over to Burnley was my start to the morning. Then I met up with an old friend for lunch before having some treatment at The Sanctuary of Healing. Genuine, supportive friends and energy healing. This really does make such a difference and is certainly my best way forward as I approach the quarter-way-through stage of chemo- 'Chemo 3- just when you thought it was safe to go back to Burnley!'.

So, some grim bits this week, but lots of positivity and shed loads of humour. Chris and I laugh a lot- mostly at each other it has to be said. But we've received so much support, encouragement and kindness from friends. Those reading this who follow my Facebook posts will know my current daily gratitude post is called #111happyhats. This has an accompanying 'hat of the day' and we have received an abundance of hats and headwear, sometimes through the post and anonymously. This delightful ensemble was one such gift. When the sender came forward she explained she'd sent it because "I wanted you to know I am thinking of you but know you wouldn't want any soppy shit!" And folks like her who really get me and the way I need to dance this dance really do make such a difference.

I'm very aware of my need to balance resting and sleep with doing the stuff that helps me heal and stay well throughout treatment. I don't always find it easy to do no thing. But I'm learning! In fact, if the truth be known, I'm starting to enjoy the luxury of rest. I remember my Mum pottering round the house doing a bit of tidying here and a bit of cleaning there and generally keeping on top of things. And I'm finding myself doing just that and thoroughly enjoying it. I'm also aware that as I rest and go within, new learning and old knowledge are gestating into ideas for the future. Not much is visible above ground just now, but the fertile nurturing space that I inhabit is allowing ideas to germinate. And I am happy and contented to just let this be. In fact, I think its fair to say that this is very much my 'Winter of content' and I'm really rather happy!

                                                                                     Liz x