The good thing about chemotherapy....

It was almost dark by the time we set off for The Lakes. The M6 was quiet and we arrived at the campsite around 7pm. Its a small site- recommended by the Caravan and Camping Club but privately owned. As we pitched up by torch light we could see very little. However, there was electricity and water right by the van and we had all we needed as we settled down for supper and a relaxing evening. I was delighted to wake up next morning and find we were surrounded by woodland. It was so good to step out of the van and into the trees and breathe in that beautiful forest air.

We had spent much of the previous evening talking through what I'd been told at the hospital and that continued into Saturday. Chris and I individually completed the 'Balance and Perspective' worksheets I recently put together for the MBSR course. This is a way of drawing on the wisdom of some of the Munay Ki Archetypes to see the bigger picture that enables response rather than reaction. Comparing our completed sheets, we were both clear that the facts of the situation are very simple- I've had cancer and am now about to start chemotherapy to remove and prevent any remaining abnormal cells. Nothing more, nothing less.

Once the facts are established, everything else is about feelings and emotions- often based on distortions, deletions and generalisations. Our feelings were to do with fear of the unknown which led us to commit to find out more. It was time for me to read the stuff I'd been given to remove those fears. I had a bit of a light bulb moment when I sat and reflected on my feelings about chemotherapy. The image that came up was of the Russian man who was poisoned- Alexander Litvinenko. His bald, jaundiced, dying photograph was plastered all over the media as doctors tried unsuccessfully to save his life. The poison was too strong to be treated. I realised this image was firmly fixed in my mind and I was seeing myself lying in a hospital bed as a big bald, yellow flump, not long for this world with doctors powerless to do anything to save me. I've no idea how that image found its way into my mind but awareness of it enabled me to show it the door and replace it with healthier, more helpful images.

The beautiful thing about this process though is that it goes further than just separating out fact from feeling. And next we considered the gifts in the situation. And the more we looked for them, the more we found. These included time to just be and do things we don't normally allow ourselves time for, increased understanding around diet and nutrition and the opportunity to come out of this healthier, stronger and happier than ever. We did get a bit giddy with our 'good things about chemo' list! Apparently I must tell the dentist I'm not allowed that horrible descaling and polishing torture. I must eat lots of ginger biscuits. And last but not least, we must take care with contraception to avoid pregnancy and fathering a child! And of course, Chris's delight at our chemo parking pass must not be forgotten. (Though I sensed disappointment when she realised it couldn't be used in the blue badge spaces at Tarn Hows.)

Once all of the above is considered the overall 'Eagle' view becomes clearer with a perspective that allows everything to fall into place. In the grand scheme of things its just a few weeks of treatment that will lead to being well with the potential for some good stuff along the way!

After a tasty breakfast we drove over to the Manjushri at Ulverston for 2pm Meditation in the Temple. After that we had a hearty lunch of gorgeous pea soup followed by warm scones and a pot of tea. I reckon I could really get into Buddhism!

We went back to the campsite in daylight. One of the reasons for going to such a quiet place was to avoid fireworks. There were some in the distance so we had Deva Premal blasting out Mantra to keep the dogs calm. That and a tasty pasta sauce sent me off into an early sleep. I woke up thinking it must be the middle of the night only to find it was 11pm.
What a lovely surprise- and I went on to have the best night's sleep in ages!

Sunday morning saw some van daftness- a couple of hours of just having a laugh. With a fair splattering of dark humour which I suppose is inevitable. We decided to meander our way down the A6 to the seaside via Cartmell. It was good to call in at Morecambe and Chris walked the dogs along the front and I had a ninja nap after we shared a cuppa and some toasted teacakes.

I was taken back to a very special day in Morecambe when my parents came up to visit just after I got my degree results. They were delighted and we had such a lovely time. A stark contrast from the afternoon we'd shared six years before when I'd decided to drop out of Uni the first time round and my poor Mum and Dad came up to see me in Scotland to persuade me to change my mind. I remember making myself the promise to one day make them proud of me as I walked along the beach at Largs after they left. And in June 1986 in Morecambe on another beach I realised they'd actually been proud of me all along. 



All in all this was a grand old weekend and we finally arrived back home early evening. I had the feeling of having all my ducks if not in a row, at least swimming in the same direction. Just in time to start treatment the day after!

Liz x