Into the forest of chemo...

Sometimes no matter how much positive self-talk we give ourselves, no matter how much we tell ourselves nothing is actually happening, no matter how much we try to change our thoughts, some things are scary. And at times like that all we can do is pull up our Superwoman undergarment-overgarments and walk with grace and power into the storm! And in  doing just that on day one of chemo, I became aware I was, in fact, drawing on that glorious NLP compartment of my toolkit. When we can't change our thoughts or feelings, we always have the option of changing our behaviour to give the internal stuff time to catch up. So I did what makes me feel better- had a bath! A lovely friend has made me a hypno/meditation CD to support me through treatment. And listening to this in the bath that took the edge of my anxiety, made me receptive to the CD. And the CD guides me to the Healing compartment of my toolkit and I so needed to be reminded of this. Nessidog knew I was out of sorts and came to reassure me in that typical Patterdale Terrier "please don't die Mummy Liz, Mummy Chris sometimes forgets to buy me tennis balls" kind of a way. Checking my 'phone, there were so many lovely messages and I was blown away by the kindness of folks who made the time to connect with me on this morning. They knew I needed support and were there for me. That really does mean so much.

Pausing briefly to breathe in the light through the trees, we set off yet again for Burnley. This time we took the scenic route through Rishton. Knowledge gained during Chris's working days of finding the best ways to negotiate the rush hour being put to good use. Once again we parked right outside the unit and checked in on time.

First of all we were taken into another treatment room- this time the lovely peach coloured Primrose Room. The nurse went through with me exactly what was going to happen and fitted the cannula with ease. I'd taken care to keep my hands warm and this seemed to make such a difference. Next we were taken through to the chemo suite. This really is a lovely room. Light, colourful and very calm. I sat opposite the beautiful Bluebell Wood mural. The light shining through the trees, just as the light shone through the trees at home as we were setting off. There were quite a few folks receiving or waiting for treatments but its so relaxed in there and everyone was so quietly friendly.

The nurse came and began my treatment. First I was given some meds through the drip to deal with the effects of the chemo. Anti-nausea meds, steroids, something to protect my stomach and Piriton. This was done with such ease and little fuss and I honestly was relaxed by the time for the chemo.

Without a hint of the flump image, the treatment began. And once again there was such a gift. I had some stuff I needed to process. I'd received a message while waiting for treatment. I was aware of feelings and a reaction coming up. Having the time to just sit and be was such a gift and I was able to see the issue from so many different angles- and completely in perspective. This enabled me to allow a response to emerge and focus on what really matters. Which, as always, was the people at the 
                                                               heart of my thoughts who I love dearly.

I was aware of feeling sleepy and a bit odder than usual. I realised this when I totally messed up a Suduko. How many 7s can you put in one square? So I gave up and drifted off to sleep a few times I think. Chris sat next to me reading a magazine, eating her body weight in ginger biscuits and watching a programme about the bravery of the Fleetwood fishermen during the Second World War. We were in the unit for about three hours. Nothing rushed and that lovely calmness and kindness. I was even offered lunch and really enjoyed the hearty broth and cheese sandwich I was given. Eventually it was time to leave. My legs were a bit wobbly but that's not unusual after cocktails! And I was so looking forward to getting home to bed. However, I have to say, the treatment I received was once again fully explained, reassuring and kind. All fears faded away and my image of the flump disintegrating in a glass of ginger beer was final!

Home to that waiting bed and snuggled up with Nessidog and Dexter I slipped into a blissful sleep. My afternoon after that was punctuated by drinking loads of water and Cranberry Juice. I did feel weird and wobbly. Not quite like being pissed but unsteady and bumping into things. But horizontal was good! And the anti-sickness and other meds were certainly doing their stuff. So, Chemotherapy? Well it wouldn't be in my top ten of fun ways to spend a day. But if I could go to the Edith Watson Unit and not have treatment then that would be a fantastic day out- just being in the peace and calmness!

Treatment one of 12 over and a week to recover before the next lot. Yes, I've got a few aching joints, mainly round the site of the Herceptin injection. And there's some itching but nothing too uncomfortable. And though I've felt a bit nauseous, I've got tablets to take when needed and a mouthwash to take away the strange taste and prevent oral infection.

I wont pretend I'm a good patient. Chris is an absolute angel and really gets my frustration at not being able to do stuff. She dissolves the difficult moments with humour and we both often dissolve into laughter. Truth is, I don't do being ill! But the other truth is I didn't listen when my body whispered to me to slow down and rest. So it shouted and now I'm resting. And the big gift in this? I see time ahead to let ideas gestate. Time to plan some exciting new stuff. Time to do things differently. And most of all, the time to go within that will enable all of the above. Yes, it feels a bit slow and Wintery just now. But Spring will be here before I know it. And there really is so much to look forward to.

Thank-you to the folks who are choosing to read these blogs. I hope they are at least entertaining if not helpful. Thank-you to those of you who have left feedback- here on the blog or on Facebook or more directly. Your positivity and support is more appreciated than you could ever know. 

Liz x