Planting seeds and going within

Having reached the half way point of my chemotherapy treatment it seems a good time to take stock and view the bigger picture of this journey. There has definitely been a build up of some of the physical side-effects of the treatment. I am choosing to keep a positive focus- however, these physical effects include stomach cramps, aching joints, alternating constipation and diarrhoea, nausea, mouth ulcers, excema-like skin irritation and a loss of flavour with a permanent unpleasant taste in my mouth. Listed together that makes for quite a grim catalogue. However, the individual nature of the care received has brought the right treatments along just when they have been needed. Remember that kids' game 'WHAC-A-MOLE' I believe its called. Little creatures pop up and get bopped with a hammer. The physical side-effects of chemo feel a bit like this. Each symptom pops up and gets medicated. Then another one pops up and gets medicated. On a good day, it's one thing at a time. As the treatment progresses, there seem to be more moles popping up to be whacked- and sometimes they seem to be hunting in packs!



Having said all that, there are good days, or at the very least, good parts of days. After treatment 6, I felt well enough to go to our Chanting Circle on the Wednesday evening. Powerful Mantra in lovely, supportive company. I always sleep better after Mantra and my sleep has generally been better for the last couple of weeks. The following day I shared Relaxation and Meditation with the wonderful Thursday group. However, I didn't feel up to Drumming so had a rest upstairs listening to Chris lead that lovely Thursday Circle. Though I didn't feel up to Temple Gongs on the Friday or the Accrington Sound Bath on Sunday, after resting until Saturday afternoon I thoroughly enjoyed the Community Sound Event in Chorley. Its all about balance really. Working with Sound in all its forms is healing. But I accept I can't do everything and, as a wise friend put it recently, I need to learn to cherry pick what I actually do. And the gift in this? Chris gets to develop her Sound work. The thing with the Gongs is it is the Gongs that work their magic. We are just the flesh at the end of the mallet. And Chris has such an ego-free humility which means there is certainly no problem with me resting when I need to as the Gongs are in more than capable hands.

Having made the decision to have the PICC Line fitted, my veins suddenly became cooperative in week 7! Monday's blood test was trouble-free and the cannula went in first time on Tuesday. Once again my bloods were fine- which I put down in no small part to Sanctuary treatments and kindness. I am so very grateful for the lovely therapists who have been treating me and for the other folks there who support and make me feel so welcome.


Each time I go into the chemo lounge I walk past that heavy, distinctive bell. I so look forward to the day I can ring it at the end of my final treatment. This week it looked particularly impressive next to the lovely Christmas Tree.

If the weeks of reluctant veins were difficult for me, they must have been equally or more so for Chris. She sat there watching as the attempts at finding a vein got less productive. She never faltered in her support, kindness, encouragement and humour, though it was most certainly not easy viewing at times. But we had made the decision early on in this journey to travel with humour. If our journey with chemotherapy were a dance it would most likely be a giddy fusion of Agadoo and Gangnam Style!

One lovely surprise at treatment 7 was bumping into the couple we met at my last Oncology appointment. She was having her first chemo treatments- split over two days just like my first Herceptin and Paclitaxel were. So I saw them when I went for my blood test on Monday and then sat in the next bay during Tuesday's treatment. We all have our own individual journey but there's something very special in the solidarity of shared experience- and the unspoken commitment to positivity.

I think its fair to say that the days immediately after treatment 7 were the worst so far. Too many moles popped up for whacking and this took its toll on me physically and, for the first time, emotionally and mentally. I think its also fair to say I was really unpleasant to be around. No one could have blamed Chris if she'd taken a hammer and whacked me on the head! This was particularly so on my birthday so I decided to take myself off to visit the churchyard while Chris was at The Hub. Not all my family are buried in the same grave on account of the popularity of cremation from the 80s onwards. However, I feel one particular grave in Sutton is my focus for all those who have gone before. And this is the place I
visit with a cross-shaped wreath for my Nana's grave each December. There is something peaceful about just being there. Yes there have been sad occasions at this church but I feel a sense of groundedness and connection and walking around the cemetery in the late afternoon gave me a perspective I'd been lacking. When I first moved away from home, I used to try to visit on my Birthday and arrive at the moment I was born. (We think this was 6.15pm, though as I also coincidently weighed 6lb 15oz there is a slight chance that Dad rounded up what he was told when he went out to the 'phone box and rang the maternity home to learn of my birth!) These days I sit awhile at that time and just send my gratitude to my parents for the sacrifices they made and for their undoubtable love. The time in the quiet this year brought some insights. This was in the form of awareness of some unpleasant energy stuff. No need to go into detail but I'm grateful for the folks in my life who get this stuff and were able to advise and support me in getting back to basics and dealing with it.

By the following day the greyness was starting to lift and I had a lovely afternoon at The Hub surrounded by some of the most genuine and kind people I know. A lovely cake surprise brought the emotion of gratitude and love that drove out the last of the greyness. I am so very grateful for my beautiful Tribe. And if my Vibe really has attracted these folks into my life then there must be some pretty positive energy floating around despite those occasional blips when the claggy stuff starts to seep its way in.

I have written before about my 'Winter of Content' and my awareness of the need to go within as treatment progresses. However, this has been easier said than done as I've continued to push myself to do as much as possible, with occasional breaks when I've needed them. I'm very fortunate that up to the half way point in my chemo treatments I've been able to still do quite a bit. However, I am aware now that this is changing. It feels like a seesaw has rebalanced and its now a case of resting and doing stuff occasionally when I am able to. Yes I've resisted this and part of the low mood on my birthday was, I think the realisation dawning that over the next month or so I'll be doing less and less. This week's Solstice celebrations have helped massively in this process of acceptance.

On Friday, as the sun set on the shortest day, Chris and I joined with Caroline and a very full Dojo to honour the old ways and celebrate the Solstice with the Gongs. The following morning I woke early and felt drawn to have my own
personal Solstice
ceremony of cutting cords, releasing stuff that no longer serves me and playing the Gongs(particularly Pluto who was with me at the Summer Solstice at Stonehenge back in June) as the sun came up. Then on Sunday I was able to take part in the Earthsong Winter Solstice celebration in the Dojo. This was a very special event and particularly poignant for me as it marked the end of resistance.

As part of the ceremony, I committed to nurturing three 'seeds'- 'Health', 'Peace' and 'Community'. The common thread that links these seeds is 'Freedom'. And now, as my Winter of Content really settles in, as I start to listen not just to my body but to my Soul, as I accept the need to rest and heal, I find a new contentment in the knowledge that just now there really is nothing to do. And as we know, when there's nothing to do, the thing to do is nothing. Time just to Be. Time to Heal. Time to allow those seeds to rest in the deep, dark earth and await the Spring.



So, as I write this on Christmas Eve, I Thank you for taking the time to read this and previous posts. And to those of you who have commented, sent messages and generally been supportive and encouraging, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wishing you a very Happy Christmas and all the very best for the New Year.







With Love and Gratitude...Liz x