What to say and when to say it...

The day after the Yoga and Sound Retreat I drove back down to The Hub for Lunchtime Relaxation and Meditation. This is one of the smaller groups and I really love the energy that this brings. Silence is OK and the willingness of those who attend to completely trust the process enables me to relax more completely too.

There still felt like an eternity before my next appointment at which I'd get the biopsy results and find out if I needed further surgery or could move on to the 'clean up' stage of treatment. Chris and I had a free weekend coming up after two consecutive Retreats and decided to go back up to The Lakes to a site we'd stayed at last year in the old van. This was about avoiding sitting round thinking too much but was also most definitely an opportunity for us to see the gift in the situation. Previously, I'd have looked for things to do at The Hub on a 'free' weekend or would at least have done lots of admin. The benefits of a weekend away just for us far outweighed anything else that I might have done and there was nothing urgent that I couldn't do in the Lakes.

In the days that led up to this we talked a lot about where we were up to. Practicalities, worries, concerns, hopes and a great big splattering of humour. It was time to be more open and tell people at The Hub why I'd not been around as much. Some folks had been awesome in covering groups for me and generally keeping the place running smoothly with the guiding hand of Janet at the helm. Chris G covered more Meditation groups than I can remember, my Chris stepped in for Drumming, Mantra and Gong Baths, Paul quietly got on with making things easier for Chris in The Dojo and volunteers were doing extra 'cover' slots. I shouldn't really mention individuals as so many Hubbits do so much. So suffice it to say, lots of folks were doing lots of covering and I'd become aware that my absence was becoming obvious and needed explaining. So on Tuesday morning I made a couple of phone calls to ask for guidance from friends and started to plan what to say. Once again, the support and encouragement I received gave me both the reassurance and confirmation that this was right.

Going to sleep on the Tuesday night I felt much more settled. I woke up at 2.30am with my head full of the words I could use to explain where I was at- in person and in written form. So I grabbed my phone and sent myself a text. I'm not claiming the words came from a divine source but I did drift back off to sleep pondering how much the accuracy of the Gospel may have been enhanced by mobile 'phones! 

Next morning I read the text and it perfectly described my outlook on the health stuff and included:-
 
"I have no intention of immersing myself in all things cancer. This is a temporary visitor to my life. One I am choosing not to greet with drama, aggression, self-pity or even the urge to 'battle', 'smash' or  'fight'. I accept there is a gift in this situation and I welcome the lessons. However, I chose not to be defined by the illness and will meet it with calmness, positivity and a fair bit of humour! I'm not asking for anything other than positivity, healing prayer and that you join me in a drama-free approach towards the whole thing. Am happy to discuss any of this further. Text, message, email or preferably phone me or let's meet for a chat. Whatever you are comfortable with. Equally it's fine to receive this as a 'for information only' message. The only thing I will ask is please talk to me rather than about me and don't avoid me."
 
On Wednesday I had the stitches out of my armpit and there seemed to be a bit of infection brewing. Rest and Healing sorted this out and the help of  lovely Arnica baths can't be ruled out as a contribution here. On Thursday I spent time at The Hub and spoke with a few people then went on to message others I hadn't seen. The relief at being open and the support I felt were immense in equal proportion.
 
I drove up to Grassmere on Friday morning and had some Sound Therapy with a lovely man I'd felt drawn to for a while. I then had the luxury of time just sitting amidst the Autumn colours, snug as a bug in the camper van. Chris was driving up later so I set the van up at Skelwith and had a relaxing afternoon. This included a long chat with a wise, supportive friend who really helped me get my head around some aspects of the treatment to come. Her metaphor for her own journey with cancer is of a dance rather than a battle. As she pointed out, if we enter into battle, we may lose. This resonated so powerfully with me as no way do I want aggressive, 'battling' chemicals running through my body. Once again, just the right person had come along at just the right time. 
Over the weekend, Mother Nature treated us to the most stunning display of her glory. It rained heavily overnight on Friday and the roads were awash as we drove down to Ulverston. The flooding and torrential rivers and streams were spectacular- as were the scones and toasted tea cakes we enjoyed at the Manjushri! Time in the quiet of the Temple was calming and peaceful for us both.  Saturday evening we had a drive down to the coast then a lovely supper back at the van before drifting off into a peaceful sleep. 

We woke on Sunday morning to clear skies and that beautiful freshness that comes after a storm. Breakfast and a chilled-out morning led to a drive to Grassmere and a walk up to Glenthorne- a place that holds special memories of my Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction training last November. Remembering that time also led Chris and I to feel immense gratitude for our new Camper Van. The old one had been a classy ride in her day but by the time she came to us, those days were long gone and November in The Lakes with no heating was a bit of a
challenge. One that had seen me legging it to the hardware shops of Ambleside first thing Monday morning in search of fan heaters, as Chris snuggled up under the duvet with a grumpy Patterdale Terrier and a less than impressed Labrador. The dogs, as well as the humans, are much happier in the new little van and even timid Ella is starting to get used to her cosy kennel on wheels.

All in all this was a lovely weekend for us. Batteries recharged. Optimism topped up. Resilience restored. All ready for my Thursday appointment with the fingers crossed surgeon!

Liz x